Attack of the Fifty Foot Mary Sue
by LadyLuck321
Summary: Just a short one shot, making fun of a story device I happen to really enjoy (and use), other fictional characters. I'm not trying to offend and I believe the title says it all!


Disclaimer: I don't own so you don't sue.

AN: I am not trying to offend anyone with this short, little story. I, in fact, love other female characters, especially when they are paired with Snape. But, I couldn't help this story….Drew, my muse, threw the plot bunny at me and it kept nibbling my toes until I couldn't ignore it and finally wrote it out. For those of you reading my other story….I am working on chapter 8 and hope to have it posted by Friday at the latest. Cheers and please no flames…this was all meant in fun.

Attack of the Fifty Foot Mary Sue

It was a quiet Saturday morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizarding. The Great Hall was half full of students enjoying breakfast before taking advantage of the crisp fall air and a Hogsmeade visit. All of a sudden a thunderous sound was heard and the very walls of the castle started shaking. Again the sounds came in a rhythmic cadence. Students were screaming and running as the dust of eons was shaken from the very rafters. The professors were trying to restore order, but were thwarted when the cry of "Earthquake," rang through the room causing even more panic.

Everyone started running for the front entrance, desperate to get out of the castle before the structure tumbled down upon their very heads. Dumbledore was sweeping through the crowd trying to restore order from the chaos. Snape and McGonagall were following behind him trying their best to retain their footing as the ground seemed bent upon falling out from under their feet.

A crashing noise was heard from the direction of the Forbidden Forest and a large mass could be seen moving towards the school. As the mass came closer it was revealed to be a huge person, wading through the trees as a normal person would wade through water.

The professors and all of the older students drew their wands and surrounded the younger students. They were prepared to protect Hogwarts to the last man, err…man and woman,….errr…man, woman, boys and girls, teens….to the last person.

The figure stopped to step over Hagrid's hut and pumpkin patch and proceeded up toward the castle. As it grew near, they could tell that it was a female. In fact it was a stunningly beautiful woman, even if she was fifty feet tall. She finally stopped about twenty yards from the front line of defenders. A gorgeous smile crept across her sensual lips as she tossed her long blonde hair back over her shoulder and said with a thunderous voice, "Hello, is this Hogwarts?" to everyone present surprise she spoke in a harsh American accent.

Dumbledore stepped to the front and using a sonorous charm called out to her, "Yes, who are you and what do you want?"

The gorgeous creature leaned down toward the wizard displaying a cleavage that catapulted some of the first years into early puberty, "You must be Dumbledore. Pleased to meet you," and she smiled even brighter, temporarily stunning the male population and causing some of the females present to rethink their sexual orientation.

When Dumbledore had recovered from what he was afraid was a small heart attack, after all he was over one hundred years old and his body was no longer used to this type of stimulation, "Yes my dear lady, I am Dumbledore. May I have the honor of knowing your name?" he replied with a charming bow.

"Oh, yes. I'm Mary Sue Plebian and I'm here from America to help Harry Potter fight the Dark Lord," the titanic siren advised with captivating seriousness, "I have information that he needs in order to fulfill the prophecy and achieve the greatness he is destined for."

Harry Potter ran up at this point, eager to claim the attention of the beautiful creature, "Hiya! I'm Harry," he jumped up and down waving at her.

"Hello Harry," Mary Sue waved a graceful hand to shoo away the clouds of songbirds who were trying to pay tribute to her beauty, "I have long wanted to meet you."

Just then Snape rushed forward, quickly followed by all the Weasley boys, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. They were all jostling for position, trying to be the one closest to Mary Sue. Just then Remus noticed that Sirius was there, "Sirius, what the hell are you doing here? We thought you died?"

Sirius was trying to push Snape out of the way as he replied, "I fell through the veil, but as soon as I heard the dulcet tones of this angel, I was pulled back from the great beyond and Apparated here immediately."

"But no one can Apparate onto the school grounds," Hermione whined, "Doesn't anyone read Hogwarts, A History?"

"No one but you," Ron replied as he tripped Percy in order to move a few inches closer to the front of the pack.

"Well Ronald, I don't see what you find so attractive about this person. How do we know she isn't a Death Eater?" Hermione huffed.

"No Death Eater could be that attractive," Ron averred as he dodged Charlie's elbow.

Fred and George were trying to force Skiving Snackboxes down Bill's throats to remove him from the competition. Sirius had turned into Padfoot and was attempting to wiggle through the masses of bodies.

Mary Sue just waited patiently. She was well aware of her own magnetic attractiveness to members of the opposite sex. After the mayhem had stretched on perhaps a tad too long with all the heterosexual males at Hogwarts clamoring in a futile attempt to attract her attention, Mary Sue raised her hand and immediately everyone fell silent in order to better hear the pearls of wisdom that were sure to fall from her mouth, "It was a long walk here, where's the ladies' loo?"

After a convenient ravine had been located and Mary Sue had freshened up and washed her hands in a water fall, she returned to the school grounds to give Dumbledore and Harry the battle plan that would assure them the victory in the final battle against Voldemort. Mary Sue pulled out her wand, nine foot long and pleasantly springy with the shed skin of the Midgard Serpent at its core. Waving it with amazing dexterity and unbelievable power, she drew the plan in mid-air using perfectly formed holograms of all the combatants to demonstrate the brilliant strategy she had developed.

Mary Sue blushed modestly at the thunderous applause from all present. When it had abated she smiled gently, "Aww shucks, it was nothing folks."

Just then there was a loud popping noise and Voldemort was standing there surrounded by his legion of masked Death Eaters. (Hermione whined again, "But NO ONE can Apparate onto the school grounds!)

"Ah ha Mary Sue you thought you would foil my evil genius," Voldemort cackled insanely.

All of the Death Eaters laughed sycophantically.

"Yes, I cannot allow such evil to prevail in this world," Mary Sue cried and flicked her hair back with a slender, perfectly manicured hand and leaned forward.

The sight of such a perfect bosom stunned all the male Death Eaters present, leaving Harry to face just Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange. Bella was running around wildly throwing random curses. One of the curses hit Mary Sue on her leg causing her to let out a ladylike, "Eeep!" and jerk the offended limb up. When she decorously lowered the long, perfectly formed calf, she accidentally put her foot down on Bellatrix and smushed her into oblivion, "Ooops," Mary Sue covered her mouth with a gentle hand.

After scraping Bellatrix from the bottom of her shoe, Mary Sue returned to the battle. The professors and students had rounded up all the Death Eaters while they had been stunned by Mary Sue's incomparable cleavage. This left just Harry and Voldemort to duke it out.

Mary Sue stood to one side cheering Harry on. Voldemort grew distracted by the sight of Mary Sue leading a rousing cheer in support of Harry and realizing how valuable she was to his enemies he cast the killing curse at her. As Mary Sue was enveloped in the sinister green light of **_Avada Kedavra_**, she fell taking out several acres of trees and the Quidditch pitch. Harry saw his one true love die and screamed, "No," and with grief stricken madness began hexing Voldemort until nothing was left of him but a steaming pile of goo.

Running up to the beautiful woman who was dying, "Mary Sue, please don't die!" at her rattling breath, "At least if you are going to die can you roll over off the Quidditch field so you don't damage it anymore; we have a game next Saturday?" As Mary Sue breathed her last, Harry gazed at the goddess like creature who had died for the cause of light and good, falling to his knees next to her beautiful ear, he shouted out his love for her, "Mary Sue don't leave me!"

He threw his head back to howl his torment to the sky when he saw the greasy git of a potions professor attempting to scale the fallen heroine. A long line of steaming caldrons was floating up behind him.

"Snape you slimeball, what do you think you are doing?"

"I, I am trying to save this wondrous woman. Now shut up you arrogant prick and let me do my work," Snape snarled down from his perch on Mary Sue's neck, "You are just like your father. He was an arrogant prick too."

"My father was not an arrogant prick," Harry shouted back at Snape angrily.

Snape just sneered and waved his wand and the caldrons began to pour their contents down her throat. Snape climbed back down and waved his wand and began to chant an old and complex spell. Remus, Sirius, Dumbledore and the older Weasley brothers quickly realized what he was trying to do and joined him. Suddenly there was a blinding white light and the sound of angels singing. When the glare receded, everyone was astounded to see that where one fifty foot woman had fallen, ten identically beautiful women now lay. As one they took a deep shuddering breath and sat up. Immediately, Ron, Harry, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Remus, Sirius and Snape all ran to one of the women, "Mary Sue you are alive?" they shouted in unison.

"Yes, and I just want you to know I love you," each woman said to the man who held her so tenderly.

A chorus of "And I love you too," was heard as the wizards all lifted their one true love into their arms and Apparated with her off into the sunset.

And a final cry was heard, "But you can't Apparate on the grounds of Hogwarts."

Finis


End file.
